Subject: Savor the taste of marinated frog hearts in clotted cream.
From: "Saved by Internet Explorer 11"
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 2013 19:13:41 -0800

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in
Texas, and to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge
Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes,
what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These
people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was
so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started
to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will
NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located
a [expletive deleted] uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make
it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind
her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see
her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda
cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded
beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could
put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've
lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth
at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

Judge One: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Judge Two: A perfect ending,
this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Frank: Momma!

Sent to use by Robert G. Bellinger, who just happens to be the Extension
Pesticide Coordinator at Clemson University.

"At next Wednesday's children party it is expected that in two hours 300
children will consume 1,800 sandwiches and 900 fancy cakes, gallons of milk and
tea, pounds of butter and a fishfryer, a plumber, a schoolmaster and a railway
inspector." - from the Yorkshire (U.K.) Gazette

"Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes" - menu item from a Japanese
steak house.

Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor and Keeper of the Sacred Beer Can Opener
I HATE
COMPUTERS Newsletter
Http://extlab7.entnem.ufl.edu/IH8PCs/