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Why you can’t make it in New York

By Katka Lapelosa On
January 6,
2014 · 11
Comments

Photo: Thomas
Leuthard

You think you’re the next Carrie Bradshaw / Jonathan Ames / Andy Warhol /
Jay-Z.

You are not as cool as any of those people. Get it out of your system because
unless you’re famous already, there’s a 99.9% chance no one in New York is going
to care about who you are. Those characters and famous figures are awesome role
models, but honestly, just be yourself — try and remember that New York City is
one of the only places in the world that openly accepts everyone, no matter how
weird / drunk / JAPPY / yuppie or otherwise you are.

You’re looking for your “soul mate.”

Somehow, people find NYC to be “romantic” (despite the garbage-strewn
streets, rat-infested subway stations, and overwhelming scent of piss that
follows you everywhere). Stop setting relationship priorities / barriers, and
start sleeping with everyone. With a population over 8 million, there are
way too many people living in New York for you to waste time dating every
single one of them.

For every nice guy or sweet girl you meet, you’re going to have to go through
at least 100 assholes / bitches first. Having a one-night stand helps you get
the milk for free instead of having to buy the cow (especially when a gallon of
milk here costs $4.29). Have safe sex with everyone, and settle on the first guy
/ girl that makes you orgasm like crazy. That’s a keeper.

You choose to live in terrible apartments.

It is possible to find a sick apartment in New York City without using
Craigslist, and without paying out the ass for broker’s fees / first month’s /
last month’s rent. How? Patience and perseverance. Don’t move somewhere “because
it’s the cool place to be.” Likewise, don’t move anywhere unless you’ve done a
little research about the area (yeah, Marine Park is in Brooklyn, but it’s also
about an hour and a half from any decent NYC action). Never, ever pay
rent that is more than your room is actually worth; $1300 a month to sleep on an
air mattress in someone’s spare closet is lame, and does not “build character,”
especially when you can rent a decent one-bedroom apartment in Inwood for the
same price.

Also, consider the people you live with. If your roommate is a weirdo, move.
If your roommate is a catty bitch, move. If your roommate does a lot of drugs,
never pays their rent on time, leaves dirty dishes in the sink, has sex in your
bedroom without asking you first, and you have not relocated yourself since the
first incident, consider yourself to be an NYC fail.

You don’t “get” the subway system.

It’s really not that complicated, and everyone has Google Maps on their phone
anyway. If you don’t, A) you’re not tech-savvy enough to belong in New York
City, and B) you at least have a computer at home where you can Mapquest
your end-location before you get there. If the platform has a sign for
“Brooklyn,” it means the train is going south; “Queens,” the train is going
east; “Bronx” means north. You have no excuse for getting on the wrong train,
unless the F train decides to run on the M track, in which case everyone will be
messed up, so cool your jets and take the bus if you have to.

You spend way too much money on booze.

Purchasing a $15 cocktail multiple times in one evening is why last night’s
dinner consisted of Ritz crackers and day-old cream cheese. People in New York
spend way too much money on alcohol, and there is no reason to justify
it. It’s possible to get drunk on any type of alcohol, so stop buying
chipotle-spiced lychee martinis, and start finding those dive bars that sell
$1.50 cans of PBR. Then maybe you’ll be able to pay that outrageous utilities
bill on time, for once.

The easiest way to remedy this situation is to get other people to buy you
drinks. Or you can take advantage of free open bar opportunities. In a city
where stepping out your door is an invitation to be overstimulated culturally,
maybe it’s just a matter of finding a new hobby.

You think it’s too expensive in general.

Forget about rent and overpriced alcohol — New Yorkers price everything like
it’s made out of gold. Cigarettes will run you between $10 and $15 a pack. One
month of unlimited subway rides costs $112 (about $3.75/day). The Dollar Menu at
McDonald’s legit will cost you double. Even if you’re making a decent salary,
you will still be too poor to compete with New York City’s cost of living
(especially when you see what your lifestyle’s price tag can fetch you
elsewhere). If you don’t enjoy paying $24 after sitting in traffic to take a
taxi to a destination ten blocks away, you’ll never make it in New York.

You won’t settle for shitty jobs.

Currently, about 8.7% of New Yorkers are unemployed. But it’s not because
they’re sending out 50 resumes a day and getting nothing from it — it’s because
they are too damn proud to settle for anything less than their $100k college
degree warrants them. “I’m a fashion blogger” means they spend all their time
making zero dollars by reposting things on Tumblr. “I work at a PR firm” means
they get paid $30 a day to hand out flyers for new nightclubs. You’ll probably
get some haughty looks after admitting you’re a hostess at Applebee’s, but would
you rather make some money, or no money?

You will probably slave away at a job you’re overqualified and underpaid for.
The best thing to do is realize it’s only temporary; in eight-months-to-a-year,
you’ll either get a promotion, or you’ll find a new job. You will not be
“discovered,” but it is possible to land your dream job if you are
dedicated and know where to look / who to ask / what kind of person you have to
sleep with to get hired.

You can’t navigate the music scene.

Or the art scene. Or the theater scene, or any other aspect of culture that
will swallow you whole upon settling in any given NYC neighborhood. There is
seriously culture everywhere — Banksy sold his art on a random sidewalk, for
crying out loud. People get psyched to star in a no-budget, avant-garde play
involving latex body suits, that they will perform for only one night in the
basement below a Turkish restaurant. If you don’t “do” art, you don’t deserve to
be surrounded by it 24/7. Get out.

You don’t eat bagels or pizza.

It’s cool if you’re gluten-free, or whatever (there are plenty of places that
will fulfill your dietary needs), but seriously? A bagel for breakfast
and a slice of pizza for lunch will cost you less than $5 most places, allowing
that extra money you’d spend on an $11 salad to go towards something greater —
like toilet paper for the month. Nowhere else on Earth will you ever find
products as glorious as the New York City bagel or slice of pizza.

Some attempt to replicate it elsewhere, to no avail. You can’t make it in New
York if you can’t appreciate the culinary scene, because we literally have
every kind of food on the planet here, and taking the small stuff for
granted is a huge “Fuck you!” to NYC.

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About The Author

Katka Lapelosa

Katka is a Contributing Editor and the Social Media Manager for Matador
Network. She is based in New York and has worked in the travel industry for the
past five years. Other contributions include articles for Vittana, Thought
Catalog, Travel Fashion Girl, Yelp!, Where’s Cool?, TripAha! and more. Read more
about how awesome she is at katkatravels.com.

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Lapelosa

DanRine

Wow.. arrogant self-absorbed garbage.. from a (probably non-native) New
Yorker.. what a surprise.
Good thing the author has a blog about herself so
I can, “read about how awesome she is…”

Aaaand this comment gets deleted in 3..2..1……

hannah

I’m a native New Yorker, and I think this is pretty on target. Only I would
have focused it much more on how you have to have some psychopath and/or
masochist to live
here.

Marie Lisa Jose

Although I have only visited New York I feel there are other alternatives
to meeting a nice guy/girl.

Colin Heinrich

I visited a friend in New York who said she didn’t like walking. I’ve never
even lived there and I had to give her one of those smirk faces you get when
you see a gross picture on the Internet.

Nina

This author is an idiot -arrogant self-absorbed garbage – as DanRine puts
it.

Andy VC

I think this article is even offensive… what a dirty marketing. So thats
why people can not make it in NY? and then you start the article saying: “you
are not as cool as any of those people” but then you write in your blog: “I
travel. I write. Sometimes I take pictures. I am the coolest person you will
ever meet.” seriously? I can not even believe this is published in this
magazine.

http://ianmack.com/ Ian
MacKenzie

I thought this article was pretty clever actually. I’ve been to New York
multiple times and I feel like I spend money just standing on the
sidewalk.

Meg

This is awful. Its pretentious douche bags like you who think you have all
the fucking answers who ruin peoples New York experience. Not the things you
mentioned. I’m done following and liking this website. All your writers are
idiots.

redhilz

This article is a bunch of narrow-minded bullshit that shows that the
author a) can’t think of anything to write about and b) interacts with
virtually no one in NY except people just like her and/or NYU kids. There’s
nothing about the subway or the music or art scenes to “get”, but you don’t
have to be artsy to “make it” there, and you can get cheap food of literally
any fucking variety that you damn well please. Also, plenty of normal, nice
people are in the city looking for someone to date, so stop hanging around
more-pretentious-than-thou foodies in the Lower East Side and maybe you’ll get
an idea what the rest of the millions of people living there are like.

P.S. “Making it” in NY is not a thing any more than it is anywhere else. I
was a naive country girl who loved nature and had the worst job ever when I
moved there and I still managed just fine.

Katka

Sorry dude – this chicka grew up on the West Side! Have an apartment in
Harlem and a house on Long Island now. Would never label “just” the NYU or
LES kids as pretentious douchebags – we’re New Yorkers, and we’re all
assholes.

Zekov

The comments here are pretty ignorant. Katka only sounds arrogant because
she’s right. Heed her advice, you’ll be happier following suit. NYC isn’t for
the weak-willed or the faint of heart, it’s for people trying to get somewhere
and willing to do just about anything for it. The only reason anyone is
offended by this is because they refuse to assimilate. New Yorkers are
assholes cuz they earned the right to be. If you’re not willing to earn that
right, then GTFO.

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