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31 signs you were born and raised in Florida

By Bryce Emley On April 3,
2014 · 7
Comments

Photo: Ricardo
Mangual

1. You know the joys of hush puppies.

No seafood joint’s menu is complete without this Gulf Coast delicacy. My New
Yorker brother-in-law, after trying them in my hometown’s canal-side upscale
seafood restaurant, later asked, “Can we get more of those fried balls of
dough?” That about sums it up.

2. You know the joys of Yuengling.

The nation’s oldest brewing company is actually distributed across the East,
and if you grew up in Florida, you know it as the king of the upper-bottom-tier
gas station beers.

3. You know there are three Floridas.

NoFlo (no one calls it that) is basically southern Georgia/Alabama. SoFlo
(ditto) is northern Cuba/DR/South America and a retirement abyss. CenFlo (ditto)
is a confused a-cultural region where all the tourist stuff is.

4. You’ve never paid for entry into theme parks.

Trust me — there’s always a way.

5. You know Gatorland, Cypress Gardens, Reptile Land, Dinosaur World,
etc.

Florida was once bustling with a charming array of minor theme parks adults
would try to convince you were just as cool as Disney when you were a kid. Some
of them actually were.

6. You only occasionally care about Florida pro sports that aren’t
basketball.

Even then, most people still don’t care about the Heat unless they’re from
Miami, the Magic ditto Orlando. Otherwise, every Florida pro sports fan abides
by a rollercoaster relationship with their teams: You love the Marlins until the
Yankees gut their young talent, you pretend to care about the Dolphins on
Sundays, you forget we have hockey teams, and no one watches the Jags.

7. Crazy-things-that-happened-in-Florida lists don’t surprise you.

I’ve read the last few years’ worth of these from Buzzfeed and thought they
were funny in a quaint, nostalgic kind of way. I even went to high school with
somebody on the list, and another who should have made the list after making CNN
for getting his arm bit off by a gator.

8. You can’t breathe in higher altitudes.

Florida is practically below sea level. If you’re a native Floridian and have
tried running up and down hills or hiking mountains, you suddenly realized what
asthmatics must feel like.

9.You know where crocodiles come from.

No, there are no crocodiles in Florida. There are, incidentally, lots and
lots of Crocs.

10. You don’t notice sweat.

In July in Florida, you can walk to your car, grab the phone you left in
there, and come back inside to see fresh pit-puddles on your shirt when you pass
the mirror. If you hadn’t seen it, you never would have known.

11. You’re just a little bit Southern.

Even the ones like me who moved off and eschew Southern-ness still at least
crave BBQ, own shotguns, and obsess over the football teams of schools they
didn’t attend.

12. You know Universal is way, way better than Disney.

When you grow up taking annual field trips to theme parks, you figure out
after you’re like seven years old that unless you’re a girl who still wants to
be a princess, Disney World kind of sucks. Everyone wishes they could go to
Hogwarts, though — I don’t care how old you are.

13. FSU v. UF is the biggest rivalry in sports.

It doesn’t matter what part of Florida you’re from (well, maybe not way
south) — your life was at some point in some way affected by the country’s
biggest redneck football rivalry.

14. You know the Tampa shit-hole paradox.

Tampa is one of the more interesting cities I’ve ever been to, mostly because
it’s a total shit hole while also being cool in a
cousin-with-a-weird-social-disorder-who-makes-funny-jokes-about-your-uncle kind
of way. This is also the anomalous sports city, and the only place you’ll find
actual Rays, Bucks, or Lightning fans.

15. You think Tampa is a joke.

Everyone from Florida eyes Tampa with the skepticism with which they’d buy
street food in an Asian island country. However, Tampians will defend their city
like the parent of a highly spoiled and deeply idiotic child: You don’t
understand — that’s just how he is.

16. You know where to find carnies in the off-season.

Gibsontown and Valrico are infamous carnie haunts. Wondering where you might
find them? You guessed it, right by Tampa. (Non-Floridians, are you getting the
idea about Tampa yet?)

17. You’ve had thong tans on your feet.

I personally hate flip-flops, but a lot of people wear them 12 months out of
the year in Florida, giving them a lovely big-toe farmer’s tan.

18. You know Dexter was definitely not shot on-location.

There are not nearly enough armpit stains in Dexter’s long-sleeved
shirts.

19. You’re okay with swimming anywhere there’s water.

Canals, ditches, ponds, lakes, oceans, retention ponds, reservoirs, swimming
pools — you name it, most Floridians have swum it. Whether they lived to tell
about it isn’t always a given, though.

20. A landfill qualifies as a hill.

NoFlo (again, no one actually says that) actually has hills since it’s
basically, as stated, southern Georgia/Alabama. For the rest of us, colossal
mounds of waste have to suffice.

21. The idea of snow tires is absurd.

You actually have to change your car tires for just a few months out of the
year? Why do you even drive?

22. You have no idea what a radiator is.

I live 2k miles away now, and I still don’t know.

23. You have no idea what the Polar Vortex is.

Again, I still don’t know.

24. You say ‘up north’ and still refer to the South.

Sometimes this applies even after you move to a different region. I’m pretty
sure I’ve said it while living in the Southwest to refer to South Carolina.

25. Turning on the heat just means turning off the AC.

In the in-between temperatures this might also entail opening the doors and
windows, depending on your proximity to standing water.

26. You didn’t know your feet could get cold.

I went to see my sister in NYC in December one year with only a pair of Toms.
I coped by doubling up on socks and walking in place.

27. Your thickest jacket is a flannel.

I have two winter coats: the one I got to visit my sister in 2009 and the
absurdly bulky leather jacket my dad used to wear in the ’80s when he lived up
north (Maryland).

28. 60 degrees is cold.

Mom: “It’s going to get down to 60 today. Better take your heavy
flannel!”

29. You’ve been to Orlando for some reason other than tourism.

Concerts, college, conferences, field trips, internships, a job, just passing
through…I personally lived there for five years (four for college), and I can
tell you even the majority of people who live there moved there for a
reason.

30. Long-distance travel gives you phantom E-Pass/SunPass syndrome.

Toll roads are a way of life in Florida. After moving away, I still sometimes
feel like I’m doing something wrong if I’m not paying money just to drive on a
highway.

31. You know the ‘secret’ to removing love bugs from your car.

Soapy water and dryer sheets, according to my mom. (Does driving through a
cloud of love bugs remind anyone else of the Millennium Falcon entering
hyperdrive?)

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About The Author

Bryce Emley

Bryce
has worked with several other publications, including BULL: Men's Fiction &
H_NGM_N. He writes and edits from New Mexico and blogs about advertising at advertventures.wordpress.com.

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view all → Bryce Emley

http://marianaonthemove.com MarianaOnTheMove

Why do we have to hate on Disney? Every other one of these points made me
laugh. While I feel resentful of the assertion that Universal is better, I
have to admit the author may have me pegged: I do still want to be a princess.
>.<

Nicole Knox

I find Floridians go one of two ways. You’re like myself (and the author)
and think Universal all the way or somehow the magic has stayed alive for
you and you’re a Disney fanatic.

Yasmari Garay

Oh the Tampa ones got me! Too funny

Nicole Knox

You missed that you don’t know what shoes are and you don’t believe in
negative temperatures, although the Polar Vortex thing touched on
it.

Kurt

Me? I prefer SeaWorld to ANY other attraction! I could go EVERY year. I
LOVE IT!
Restaurants, shows, rides, and animals. OH, THE ANIMALS!
Kurt
from Cape Coral

j

sorry florida, but it seems our California is better.

Daniel

I’m from California. What the heck is a love bug?

What’s
with that lone Irish guy at your hostel?

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capital sins and their 7 capital cities in Brazil

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you can’t make it in New York

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in Prague is all that is right with the holiday

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