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15 ways to stand out as a tourist in Florida

By Bryce Emley On April 11,
2014 · 2
Comments

Photo: Marcy
Kellar

1. Give a shit about oranges.

Oranges are a dietary form of white noise for Floridians, and really for most
people in general until they come to Florida and say, “I should eat some oranges
while I’m here! I bet they’re better than what we get in Wisconsin!”

2. Order unsweet tea.

3. Notice the prevalence of big-ass pickup trucks.

‘Work trucks’ — often with 22-inch rims, spotless paint jobs, and pristine
beds used for hauling other people who can’t afford them — are driven for style
and social standing in Florida so much that they blend in like Subarus in
Oregon.

4. Laugh at the brass ball-sacks dangling from trailer hitches.

Unless you’re a middle-aged Southern dude like my dad, a high-school hick, or
anyone who drives a truck like the one outlined in the section above, these are
only worth a vague, halfhearted laugh at best.

5. Laugh at the word ‘cooter’ on a menu.

If you don’t know what that is, you’re probably not from Florida. Or at least
not the redneck-y parts that have restaurants that sell seafood-sexual-innuendo
t-shirts.

6. Consider it strange that people wear sunglasses on their necks.

Like, the back of their necks, as if their upper vertebrae are getting
sun-squint headaches. What else are you going to do with your Costas when you
sit down to order some cooter?

7. Collectively refer to Hispanics as ‘Mexicans.’

Actually, scratch that. My high-school class song was almost “Walmart Parking
Lot,” a horrifying modern country song about exactly what it sounds like. Point
being, this state is hickish enough for you to demonstrate this level of
ignorance and fit right in.

8. Attempt to surf the Gulf Coast.

In truth there are waves a few days out of the year, but you won’t be
here then.

9. Wear flip-flops in public but fail to possess a flip-flop tan.

10. Pronounce it KISSimmee.

It’s KisSIMmee — at least in my neck of the woods.

11. Go anywhere near Kissimmee.

Excepting Medieval Times (there’s a special, shameless place in my heart for
that), there’s nowhere in the state more depressing than Kissimmee. Except,
maybe, Jacksonville.

12. Wear any form of Disney memorabilia.

Excepting 1990s-era vintage child-size t-shirts or Disney princess
dresses.

13. Wear sunscreen somewhere that isn’t a beach.

14. Do absolutely anything on I-Drive.

I’ll admit there are a couple little spots tucked away on I-Drive fit for a
local, but otherwise this is a black hole of flashy lights and run-down tourist
traps.

15. Talk about how hot it is.

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Posted in:

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Destinations:

Florida
(region), United States

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American

About The Author

Bryce Emley

Bryce
has worked with several other publications, including BULL: Men's Fiction &
H_NGM_N. He writes and edits from New Mexico and blogs about advertising at advertventures.wordpress.com.

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view all → Bryce Emley

http://amanofnonation.com/ Kevin Post

“…there’s nowhere in the state more depressing than Kissimmee. Except,
maybe, Jacksonville.”

Amen brother!

Surfed

Thank you for the Jacksonville dis. I wish you would come up with a dis
list for Jacksonville – it would help keep the tourists away from us and and
have them heading on down south to lovely spots like Orlando or Tampa or maybe
the entire Panhandle. Thanks from all the people that live here in
Jacksonville in advance.

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