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10 things that make Britain kinda weird (and 5 I’ve
missed)

By Natasha Young On October 7,
2013 · 6
Comments

Photo: Josefina

Britain is a strange place.
Especially when you’ve been out of the country for five years.

1. There are ice cream vans.

Photo: spratmackrel

When you think about it, ice cream vans are pretty strange. For those in the
dark, ice cream vans are trucks that drive round the neighbourhood selling Mr.
Whippy to young kids, and they play a song from loudspeakers as they go.

It’s always a really rubbish song like “Greensleeves” or “The Entertainer,”
and it usually sounds like it’s been recorded at the bottom of a well by
narcoleptic rabbits.

The ice cream van round my way came by on Tuesdays and Thursdays, much to the
excitement of Sandy the Labrador who lived two doors down. No matter how fast I
ran, I never managed to beat Sandy to the queue. After bouncing up and down
excitedly for a while, he would stand patiently in the queue with his bowl
between his teeth, waiting for his two free scoops of vanilla. I loved that
dog.

2. There are no bins in London.

In Central London a few years ago, a South American friend was looking for a
bin. “They took them all out,” I said. “They were worried the IRA would blow
them up.” He thought I was winding him up, but no, it’s true. Since the IRA
ceasefire, we’ve made new enemies and we’re still bin-less.

3. This coffee is HOT!

Britain is obsessed with health and safety. It’s impossible to have fun in
this country now without some jobsworth filling out a risk assessment and
deeming it dangerous. Hot water is labelled “HOTTTT!,” wet floors are “WETTTT!,”
and concerts are “LOUDDDDDDDDD!” How we ever managed to hold our forks or leave
our houses of a morning before all this nonsense is anyone’s guess.

4. Sunshine makes the front pages.

“OMG! SCORCHIO!” The sight of a thermometer hitting 30 degrees in this
country is enough to have journalists and photographers scurrying to the beach
to snap happy-looking Brits getting their kit off. Good weather is so shocking
in this country, it’s news. Go figure.

5. Don’t walk. Oh, okay.

One of the things I
loved about Chile was its people’s utter disregard for the law. Underneath a
large sign saying “STRICTLY NO CAMPING OR PARKING” would be 32 cars, a bus, and
about 50 people having a barbeque. “One-way street” signs were thought to be
advisory rather than obligatory, and CVs were rampant flights of fancy.

Here in Britain, we take the law seriously. We’re a nation of Rainmen stuck
on the pedestrian crossing with the sign flashing “Don’t Walk.” They banned
smoking so we stopped. They put cameras everywhere so we drove nicely. They made
so many laws that we have to go on ‘blow-out’ holidays to Spain, Greece, or the
Czech Republic where we throw up, black out, and offend the locals.

They’ve legislated so much, we’ve forgotten who we are.

6. Must-have moisturiser on sale now!

In other countries, people have hobbies. Of a weekend they go skiing, play
bowls, visit the country, or have long lunches with family or friends. In
England, we go shopping. When we’re not actually in shops, we read magazines
that tell us what we should be buying if we want to keep our friends and find a
mate. We fill out credit card application forms and show other people what we’ve
done with the rent money.

7. How much?

I know tourists have been saying it for years, but sweet Jesus England is
expensive. After earning Chilean pesos, the prices here actually make my eyes
water. Last week, two newspapers and four stamps cost me £8. I started taking
the shirt off my back assuming they wanted that too. In London pubs, I implode
into a ball of Northern rage and have to be dragged out screeching “How much?!”
at the bar staff.

8. Which Northern Line exactly?

Photo: davidhc

Whoever came up with the Tube map in London must have taken a lot of drugs.
Poor tourists have it the hardest. On the Tube they have to remember to stand on
the left in the corridors but right on the escalators, struggle with
anarchically pronounced place names like Leicester Square, and then have to
figure out the map.

Here, it’s not enough to know that you need to go south on the Northern Line,
you also need to know which branch. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve
confidently hopped on a train only to find myself shamefully having to sneak a
peak at the map and ending up in Essex.

9. No alcohol = no fun.

It’s a fact, but we British are completely incapable of having a good time
without alcohol. We get all geeky and awkward without a pint in front of us.
Once started, we also have absolutely no idea how to stop.

10. We worry about stupid stuff.

Do my pores look big in this? Does decaf skinny cappuccino give you cancer?
Will that reality TV star’s ex-boyfriend’s next-door neighbour win Celebrity Big
Brother? Is that iPhone app any good? Who cares? We do apparently.

For want of anything better to worry about (we live in a relatively rich
democracy devoid of big weather or regular natural catastrophes after all), we
find other insignificant things to fret about. I have absolutely no idea
why.

And 5 things I’ve missed

Everyone’s a comedian.

Living in a cultural melting pot of different nationalities, races, and
religions is cool.

People aren’t afraid to look different. Fashion is anarchic here.

New music is treasured (even if the BBC has got some balls trying to get
rid of alternative radio station 6 Music, the backlash against them makes me
proud to be British).

Old ladies struggle onto buses and 10 people offer them their seats.

* This post was originally published on the
author’s blog and is reprinted here with permission.

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United
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About The Author

Natasha Young

Natasha Young has lived in Barcelona on and off since 2004. When not teaching
English or writing, she can be found by the sea, stuffing her face with arroz
negro or putting the world to rights over a bottle of Viña Sol.

More By This Author

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view all → Natasha Young

Nelson

What’s so weird about ice cream vans? We’ve had them forever in New York
(and I assume in the rest of the U.S. as well).

Sandiscovery

Excellent. I had a good laugh and at least I see one purpose to being in
London right now…I can relate to this article!

Michelle

haha favorite part: “They made so many laws that we have to go on
‘blow-out’ holidays to Spain, Greece, or the Czech Republic where we throw up,
black out, and offend the locals.” well that explains a lot!

Teresa

“blow out holidays”? huh I guess that happens to a lot of first world
citizens, they live a relatively boring life so they have to go make a mess
where there is no “law” which is related to point #5
. I like this article,
specially the tube point

Munkey

You knob, why would anyone stand in a corridor? This is one of the worst
articles I’ve ever read!

lusof

There are ice cream vans everywhere –’

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