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10 signs you’re still a tourist in San Francisco

By Joe Batruny On March 24,
2014 · 21
Comments

Photo: Drew
Herron

You’re a new transplant to
the city. You’ve got a Giants hat on your head, an ‘artisan’ pour-over
coffee in hand, and a sleek new road bike locked up right outside the
coffeeshop. You pay too much in rent.

So you must be a local now, huh? Not so fast. Here’s why you’re still a
tourist in San Francisco.

1. You say “San Fran.”

Sure, it sounds pretty cool — to people that don’t live in San Francisco.
Dropping “San Fran” mid-conversation is a sure-fire way to show others that you
haven’t been in town too long. The city doesn’t need a nickname, but if you’re
going to go with one, try one of the others: SF or “the City.” People don’t call
them “San Di” or “Los Ange,” do they?

2. You don’t layer up.

If it’s nice out, think twice before leaving your house without a sweater or
jacket. Once the hour hand strikes 5pm, you’re going to be wishing you had one.
When the first gust of cold air cuts through your American Apparel Tri-Blend
V-neck, you’re going to be heading in either of two directions: home (to get a
jacket) or the mall (to get a jacket). Don’t ruin a good time — layer up.

3. You don’t curb your wheels.

You head to Ikea to furnish your new place. Once you’ve gotten your fill of
Swedish meatballs, you drive back to the city with intentions of strolling
around Russian Hill. You find a spot on Union and Larkin, nail the parallel
parking job, and go for a walk. You forget to curb your wheels and come back to
see the worst-case scenario: Your car’s careened into a 2014 Mercedes S-Class. A
slightly better scenario? You get an easily avoidable parking ticket. Hopefully
you remember to turn your wheel the correct direction next time.

4. You stand to the left.

Ever wonder why people behind you on the BART escalator happen to sigh
repetitively every time you’re on it? Move over. Stand to the right. Walk to the
left. Simple. Don’t worry — you’ll find yourself sighing at others soon enough.
If you’re smart, you’ll bring this information with you to every escalator you
come across.

5. You eat at chains.

All these amazing restaurants in the city, and you still go to the Cheesecake
Factory in Union Square for dinner? Walk down Valencia Street. Throw a rock in
any direction. Go there for dinner. You’ll thank yourself for it.

More
like this: Why San Francisco hates Los Angeles

6. You frequent Pier 39.

If you really dig the sourdough, seals, and gimmicky shops (who knew a store
that only carries left-handed goods could stay in business?), turn off your
phone before heading to Pier 39. It would be a shame if anyone knew that’s what
you do for fun. If you really want to wait in a crowd, opt for some warm
pastries at Tartine Bakery instead. Please. Entertainment? Stroll over to Castro
Theatre and see what’s playing.

7. You line up to ride the cable cars.

So you’re fine with spending excessive amounts of money to ride the cable
cars. You’re going to wait in line at the first and last stops, too? That’s
okay, but you’re better off hopping on at any other stop that’s not at the
beginning or end of the line. You won’t have to waste a large chunk of time,
which could be better spent shopping for overpriced goods at Pier 39.

8. You don’t step down on Muni.

If you’re getting off a Muni bus through the back door, don’t just stand
there staring at the door waiting for it to open. Once the green light turns on,
pay attention. Step down onto the first step to make the doors open. Magic! Take
this to heart, or risk being jeered at by everyone within a 15ft radius of your
being. One small step for you, one giant leap for everyone trying to get home
after a long day at work.

9. You’re going to the beach for a swim.

Yes, San Francisco does have a beach. But, honestly, do you really want to go
swimming in a wetsuit or risk hypothermia? Yes!? Polar Bear Club applications
are over there.

10. You tell people to visit in June.

June sounds like a great time to visit, but you’re better off telling your
friends and family to visit in October when it’s warmer. The months of June and
July are cold and foggy. If your friends are into that, maybe it’s time to find
new friends. Mark Twain wouldn’t have been too far off if he actually did say
“the coldest winter [he] ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.”

Go forth, and be a tourist no longer.

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Destinations:

San
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About The Author

Joe Batruny

Joe is a writer and marketer with a passion for Brazilian jiu jitsu. Residing
in San Francisco, Joe operates his e-commerce business and explores the globe
any chance he gets. He’s currently planning his next great escape to undisclosed
locations.

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view all → Joe Batruny

Wiscondinavian

Los Angeles is definitely shortened to LA quite
frequently…

strfx4

While Joe obviously loves to be a pretentious prick, some things to
consider:

1) LA, or Los Angeles, started out as “El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina
de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula”. So, yeah, people like nicknames, and
shorten names if they feel like it.

4) Even outside of San Francisco, people stay on the right and move on the
left. You’re not special.

5) I go to In-n-Out Burger. If that pisses you off, even
better.

Brita Stripes

I don’t believe Joe is being a pretentious prick. As a San Francisco
native, I think this was spot on especially with the first one on this list.

You’re right, people like nicknames and can shorten names if they feel
like it but just in the same way people don’t like being called by nicknames
and have every right to bitch about it if they feel like it. “Some thing to
consider” I don’t see San Franciscans saying Los An but I’m sure just as
many Angelenos would be infuriated if their hometown was shortened to such a
degree.

I also love In-N-Out and I’m sure Joe does too, but that doesn’t mean we
should only go there and never think to explore all the other local burger
places which are equally if not better than the fast food chain. San
Francisco is one diverse city with many great places to eat and one way to
really enjoy the city is to venture off to local eateries.

Overall, I think this was done to be funny and to make fun of tourists.
You’re getting a little too worked up and critiquing Joe a little harder
than he critiqued the tourists haha. Calm your tits and
chill.

Jordan

um in a native and i call it san fran lol and i eat at chains like
cheesecake factory wtf. i mean i eat at all the little ones as well but
common why would i NOT eat at boulangerie? best place
ever

@Vagablondy

11. You waste time looking for street parking in the financial district,
making you late for your meeting.

12. You skip the sourdough bread because you’re on a diet or mistake it for
tasteless Italian bread.

13. You walk by Peet’s to get to Starbucks and don’t know what you’re
missing.

14. You’re afraid of driving on twisty roads and collect strings of
impatient local cars behind you.

15. You forget to bring your camera wherever you go.

16, You haven’t visited all the diverse neighborhoods in The City and
think they’re all like the one you’re in.

Manistiquenativ

Mostly I find people are pretty tolerant of those who drive slowly on
twisty roads – fasho they pass as soon as possible, but they don’t generally
honk or tailgate – unless they’re an anus driving a white
BMW.

Daniel Freeman

Mark Twain didn’t say that; only casual n00bs bandy that about. Perhaps
you’re still a tourist as a writer when you don’t research before
writing.

Bruce Williams

And perhaps should try to comprehend what you’ve read before posting
something foolish.

Daniel Freeman

And perhaps should try cutting the hipster snark before
breathing.

Bruce Williams

Yes: ”perhaps should”

Daniel
Freeman

Do you realize how insane you sound?

Amyjo9

Do you realize how insane you sound?

guest

You suck

Amyjo9

clever comment, I win again!

Daniel Freeman

Also, people like you need to leave the city. You’re ruining it for the
artists and thinkers. If my friends are into fog, maybe I should find new
friends? Do you know how much of an imbecile you sound like? Go back to the
gym and do some more pushups.

Andrew Lazarus

No one who lives in SF expects to find a parking space at Union and
Larkin.

mk

The worst is calling it “Frisco”. Also my family and I, native San
Franciscans, frequent Ocean Beach every chance we get. The water is
great.

Peevedonpierce

When driving you still have not figured out which streets have timed lights
or really that there are timed lights.

sfnative

people like this writer are exactly why people from LA roll their eyes at
san fran. just full of uppity pricks like joe. get a clue “San Fran”. san
francisco is notorious for being way to proud of shitty
trends.

sfnative

be a damn individual. do and say what ever the hell you
want.

Jesse

Yay, let’s play the I’m more local than you game! But seriously, don’t call
it Frisco.

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