Subject: Fw: Rednecks
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 1997 08:30:39 -0400


REDNECK ETIQUETTE

Redneck Driving Etiquette -
===========================

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
============================

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
this method.

- Redneck Dining Out -
======================

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. 
After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -

A centerpiece for the table should never be 
anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . 
no matter how good his manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, 
have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
=======================================

Always offer to bait your date's hook, 
especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: 
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that 
stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will 
end in frustration.

- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
=============================

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. 
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
=============================

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. 
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
=======================================

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, 
it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Letterman's Top Ten Things That ....
Sound Nasty in Law, but Really Aren't
=====================================

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the #1 dirty law statement.....
1. Think you can get me off?
 

