Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, 
I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other 
historic sites downtown. 

Two young families were also in line to see the sites and 
I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, 
not yet old enough to be in school.

"My name is Billy.  What's yours?", asked the first boy.
"Tommy, " replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant.  
What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?", asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

An old man was critically ill.  
Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer.  
How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000", the lawyer said.  
"But why?  You'll be dead soon, 
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business!  Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree.  
His lawyer wasat his bedside making sure his bill 
would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, 
and it was clear that this would be the end.  
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said,
"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a
law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer."


The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so
he went to law school.  
He graduated with honors, and then went home to join
his father's firm.  
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his
father's office and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the
accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded, "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that
case for 10 years!"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.  As he was being taken to
his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer 
was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.  
"What a rip-off," the man mutttered.  
"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."  

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, 
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's
Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, 
but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning
building.  You only have time to save one of them.  
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder 
and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?  
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.

Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a
moral disability.


What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips move.

Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.

How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light
bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously 
spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter...(How cold was it?)  
....that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The
lawyer said , "I'm here because my house burned down and 
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.  
The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer.  
"I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a 
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked quite confused and asked, 
"How do you start a flood?"


A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the
counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a
neighbor of his.  
The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.  Incensed at the
theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, 
"Hey, if your dog stolea roast from my butcher shop, 
would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" 
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for
$7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:  
"$200 for legal services >rendered."



